I Don't Have A Friend

Tonight a stupid tiff with my husband over the placement of a chair sent me to my room to mellow down. As I laid here on my bed I thought about it...its a chair...its stupid....so what is really bothering me? Well, a lot of things...

• Its Christmas, my favorite time of year, but nothing about it is making me happy because it isn't what it should be...I can't even put up the tree because my husband "doesn't care" (his words) and would just as soon have no Christmas at all...so much so he won't even let me move the damn chair.
• The house is chaos personified....half finished home improvement projects literally all around me, in every room. Stuff everywhere. People everywhere. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. I feel so desperately unhappy.
• I have major issues with the people around me I can't seem to resolve. So complex I can't even really write about them here....not that anyone is listening (or in this case, reading).
• I'm desperately in love with a man who seems completely incapable of ever understanding me...worse, he doesn't even bother to try.

I realized as issue after issue swirled in my head, how much stress and drain and drama and sadness and worry has been building and building and building up inside of me. I keep shoving it down deeper, hoping to make enough room so it won't all just starte exploding out of me...its very much like all the boxes of stuff that surround me that we simply have no more room for.

I've dealt with stress my whole life....how has it built up so horribly to the point that a stupid disagreement over a chair has opened pandora's box? The answer is simple...I don't have a friend. As this reality hit me tonight I just started crying. I left everything for him. I left my friends. I left my family. I left my entire country. Now I'm here where everything is different. The people are different, the holidays are different, my whole life is different and I did it for him...the one who simply will not understand. Because I'm in another country I can't just pick up the phone and call my family or friends....who has that kind of money? I can't call my mom to vent or ask advice or just feel that cell phone shoulder to cry on. I've lived here almost a year now and I don't have a single friend that I could call tonight and expect to listen and help me unload a bit. Someone to understand the way a man never will. Someone I could really trust to listen to my complaints and know that my confidences are safe there. All the friends like that are in another country and I can't talk to them. I want a friend I can just call up casually and say "Listen, today sucks, let's go out". I miss that so much and I haven't had it for a year now. And that year has built up and its overflowing and I don't know what to do with it. And he doesn't understand. He doesn't even try to. He is my only friend here and I need him right now and he doesn't care.