I wish.....

I wish you had watched this movie with me tonight.
I wish that I could talk to you about it.
I wish that I was the thing you wanted to spend your free time with.
I wish you'd choose me.

Tomorrow

If you knew I'd be gone tomorrow, would it make you want to hold me tonight? If you knew the clock was ticking, that tomorrow I'd walk away, or be taken away, if you knew tomorrow I'd be in a terrible car crash or die in childbirth or just plain walk away because I'm tired of feeling like some roommate instead of your wife.

If you knew you only had one more night to love me, to hold me, to tell me that you loved me, would you have spent it in front of the computer...again? Would you have rolled over and gone to bed without me...again? Would you have forgotten to tell me and kiss me goodnight? If you were scared of losing me, would you ever let a day go by like this one?

If you knew I'd be gone tomorrow would you have been so harsh with your words today? Spitting them at me with accusation and frustration and bitterness. Would you resent the little things I ask of you if you knew tomorrow I wouldn't be here to do them for?

If you knew I'd be gone tomorrow, would you then desire to make love to me tonight? Would the desire come back? Or would you just be grateful that after tonight you wouldn't have to feel pressured into sex anymore?

Would it be different if I was prettier? Thinner? Not pregnant? I do the things you like. I try so hard to be the woman you desire. But what am I supposed to do when you desire nothing? Why are you more drawn to Minecraft and YouTube then to me? Why do you desire to spend your nights in the electronic glow of screens instead of being naked in my arms?

I thought men want sex. I thought my husband would feel so lucky to have a wife who really wanted sex. How many husbands out there wish their wives wanted regular sex with them? And here I am. Willing, wanting...getting nothing. You don't want me. You never want me. You give in for my needs. You don't need me. You don't need a wife. Why did you marry me? You would have been happier alone, wouldn't you? No one to bother or nag or take away from the beautiful distraction of electronic worlds.

We finally got what we wanted...babies, twins! They'll be here so soon and you and I won't be the same then. It won't be just us. I want to make sure to make the efforts to keep us close. But I don't think you will. I think for you it will be a relief. Me busy with babies....will you even help? Or will you just escape to the screens like you always do. Will anything change for you? Will these babies be different then your others? Do you even WANT to be in their lives? Do you even want to be in mine anymore?

Will you ever want me again? Did you ever really want me at all?

Words

Depressed
Lonely
Sad
Drowning
Worthless
Unhappy
Unloved
Unappreciated
Unwanted
Tired
Exhausted
Hurting
Wanting
Needing
More
Attention
Affection
Closeness
Love
Something
Anything
Nothing
Dark
Cold
Ugly
Useless
Waste
Of
Time
Forgotten
Left
Behind
Unnecessary
Terrible
Wife
Friend
Step-mother
Never
A
Real
Mother
Unseen
Misunderstood
Ignored
Neglected
Belittled
Angry
Lacking
Desiring
Resorting
Sinning
Longing
Fantasizing
Hoping
Disappointing
Expectations
Shattered
Selfish
Selfless
Self
Loathing
Doubt
Worry
Fear
Aching
Empty
Numb
Feelings
Sleep
Get
Away
Now

You never follow me

You never follow me when I leave. If I left and never came back would you then try to come after me?

I don't feel safe with you. I let it all fester inside because I'm too afraid of what will happen when it all comes out. Finally I can't take it and I try to tell you calmly how I'm feeling and you shatter those feelings like they're worthless. Brush them aside, insult them, belittle them and make me feel like an idiot for caring. When your actions push me to my breaking point, to the absolute worst holes of insecurity and rejection, when I desperately need you to reassure and encourage and validate your love for me, when I need you to be MY man and stick up for me and fight for my heart, in those desperate moments you abandon me. You throw up defensive walls and spit out angry retorts. You roll over annoyed and just fall asleep leaving me broken inside, unable to find rest in sleep when I feel so insignificant. Why don't my feelings matter to you?

Why do you want to spend all your time with Xbox and YouTube? If that's what you want out of life then why did you marry me at all? If I'm just an annoying complication then why the Hell am I even here?

I love you so much and it terrified me. I'm so tired of being disappointed and feeling like you'll never love me the same way. I'm never going to matter to you that much am I? I'm never going to be what you want to spend your time with. I'm never going to be what you rush home to. Instead you rush home to beat me, to find solace in your electronic world before that annoying wife of yours comes home. Why am I here? Why did you marry me? What do I give your life? I'm not what you want. Family is not what you want. You just want to be left alone with yourself and your computer and tv and phone screens.

Do you even feel me pulling away from you? I feel hurt and I feel anger and then I shut it off, like flipping a switch. I turn off the need I have inside for you. I turn it off because it hurts too much. Needing you is too hard when you not only don't need me back, but don't even want me at all.

I wonder if this is why she left. If 15 years of days and nights like this finally took their toll if she's finally had enough hurt and disappointment. If that's why she found solace in other men's attention. If she turned off her own need for you too many times and eventually never bothered to turn it back on again. Or if the switch broke all together so that even if she tried to turn it back on it was simply too late. I wonder if that will be me someday. She loved you desperately once. I love you desperately now. But what happens after 15 years of this between us? Will I turn that switch off for good someday too? Will I get up and walk out and not come back? If I do, if that day comes, will you come after me then? Or will I be sitting there, waiting for nothing, for you, who never comes. Sort of like right now.

How can you sleep? Why don't you ever come after me? Why can't you listen to my feelings, CARE about them, and calm my heart with tender reassuring words?

I don't know what to do. I love you so much all I want right now is to run back to our room and crawl in next to you and hold you so tight and so close. But this has to change. I need more from you than this. I need to be chosen. All a woman wants from a man is to be chosen. Choose me over YouTube. Choose me over Xbox. Choose me to fill your time. Choose me to rush home to. Choose to love me the most. To need me the most. To want me the most.

I do it for you. I choose you. Choose me. Come after me. Before it's too late.

The Reality of My Life

I'm starting to really understand that my life will never be what I hope it will.

I will never be skinny
I will never be rich
I will never feel secure
I will never be famous
I will always be afraid of losing him
I may never be a real mother

Will I ever be happy?
Life will never be what I hope for

The only thing that has exceeded my expectations in life has been your love. Is it any wonder I'm forever terrified of having it taken from me?

My life will never be what I really want, because all that I want can't compete with my need for you. If I must choose, I choose you. But will I be happy?

Thirty

Thus far, 30 is proving to be pretty anticlimactic...pun intended.

A husband who wants me

I wish you wanted me...really wanted me. I want a husband who wants me like I want him...why don't you want me?

Me

Fat. Ugly. Weak. Stupid. Wrong. Me.

I Don't Have A Friend

Tonight a stupid tiff with my husband over the placement of a chair sent me to my room to mellow down. As I laid here on my bed I thought about it...its a chair...its stupid....so what is really bothering me? Well, a lot of things...

• Its Christmas, my favorite time of year, but nothing about it is making me happy because it isn't what it should be...I can't even put up the tree because my husband "doesn't care" (his words) and would just as soon have no Christmas at all...so much so he won't even let me move the damn chair.
• The house is chaos personified....half finished home improvement projects literally all around me, in every room. Stuff everywhere. People everywhere. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. I feel so desperately unhappy.
• I have major issues with the people around me I can't seem to resolve. So complex I can't even really write about them here....not that anyone is listening (or in this case, reading).
• I'm desperately in love with a man who seems completely incapable of ever understanding me...worse, he doesn't even bother to try.

I realized as issue after issue swirled in my head, how much stress and drain and drama and sadness and worry has been building and building and building up inside of me. I keep shoving it down deeper, hoping to make enough room so it won't all just starte exploding out of me...its very much like all the boxes of stuff that surround me that we simply have no more room for.

I've dealt with stress my whole life....how has it built up so horribly to the point that a stupid disagreement over a chair has opened pandora's box? The answer is simple...I don't have a friend. As this reality hit me tonight I just started crying. I left everything for him. I left my friends. I left my family. I left my entire country. Now I'm here where everything is different. The people are different, the holidays are different, my whole life is different and I did it for him...the one who simply will not understand. Because I'm in another country I can't just pick up the phone and call my family or friends....who has that kind of money? I can't call my mom to vent or ask advice or just feel that cell phone shoulder to cry on. I've lived here almost a year now and I don't have a single friend that I could call tonight and expect to listen and help me unload a bit. Someone to understand the way a man never will. Someone I could really trust to listen to my complaints and know that my confidences are safe there. All the friends like that are in another country and I can't talk to them. I want a friend I can just call up casually and say "Listen, today sucks, let's go out". I miss that so much and I haven't had it for a year now. And that year has built up and its overflowing and I don't know what to do with it. And he doesn't understand. He doesn't even try to. He is my only friend here and I need him right now and he doesn't care.

Sad

Why am I so sad today? We fought, we said sorry, we made up...still just so sad. Its our anniversary this weekend, do you even care? is it important to you at all? If do nothing, will it even get acknowledged? The way I can't count on you makes me sad. The way I know its best t have no expectations because things come and go with nothing but unmet hopes of romance and surprise and recognition. I guess that's why I'm sad today....this weekend is our anniversary, and to you it means nothing.

Abandoned

I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved.

Sad

Last night I was sad and when you asked me why I said I didn't know. I lied. I do know why I'm sad. I'm sad because I miss romance. I miss the words and notes and gestures and touches that told me how much I mean to you. I know you love me, but I wish you'd show it more, the way you used to. I need to hear it, not just the words but the feeling behind them. I want to feel you needing me. I hardly ever feel that anymore. I want you to treat me like your greatest treasure. And as if that didn't hurt enough, I wake up to find a note from someone else, saying things only you should be saying...and all I can do is fight back the tears, wishing those words were from you instead.

Me

Ugly. Fat. Worthless. Lazy. Indulgent. Stupid. Not good enough. I hate me.

One Sided

You don't even grasp how much I need you. You don't see or understand because you don't feel it...you don't need or even want me. I'm another burden, a chore...not a pleasure. Will it always be this way? Will you ever want me again?

Think there's no job more thankless than Motherhood?

Try Step-Motherhood. I guess there's some fine print to Mother's Day that reads, "Step-mothers do not qualify". Oh well.

Tonight

Tonight you made me feel stupid and completely worthless. Tonight you made your priority clear. Tonight you really really hurt me. Tonight something broke between us. Tonight I hate you. Tonight I hate me too.

Confession

I wish I was pregnant right now

Hey!

My opinion matters too!

Am I Mad At You?

Yes.

I couldn't wait for you to be home. But it got later and later. All I wanted was for you to come in, lay down with me, hold me and kiss me. You came home, and your watching TV. You know why I want sex so much? Its the only time you look at me. The only time you're really focused on me. Not TV, not the computer, not a book or a phone call...Me.