Confession

I wish I was pregnant right now

Hey!

My opinion matters too!

Am I Mad At You?

Yes.

I couldn't wait for you to be home. But it got later and later. All I wanted was for you to come in, lay down with me, hold me and kiss me. You came home, and your watching TV. You know why I want sex so much? Its the only time you look at me. The only time you're really focused on me. Not TV, not the computer, not a book or a phone call...Me.

Me

I don't know why I am the way I am or why I interpret things the way I do. I don't know why I let innocent things hurt and offend me or make me feel less valuable as a person....or mother, or wife. I don't know why when you do something generous my mind turns it into something negative because somewhere inside me I'm certain you didn't want any part of it and did it only out of obligation and not out of love. Logically, I know I must be wrong because I know you love me and even if you weren't in the mood you still did something for me because you love me and want to make me happy. So why won't my heart believe that? Why do I feel wounded and distant and pull away from the one person who loves me? Why am I this way?

Starved

Being apart from you hurts me. Deeply, emotionally, physically hurts me. My body aches for your touch, for your arms around me. I feel affection starved...no kisses, no hand to hold with fingers intertwined with mine, no one reaching for me in the night, no one to hold me after a bad dream, no lovemaking...just lonliness. Ugly, miserable lonliness. And the need for your touch overwhelms me and pushes me deep below the surface where I can think of nothing but the emptiness and the hurts...it just hurts and hurts so much.

When You're Gone

When you're gone, I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't want to go places or do things or see people...I don't want to live my life without you. So I put it all on hold, refusing to truly live when you're not there to live it with me. I crawl into bed and pull up the covers and hide from life, choosing instead to disappear into dreams where we can be together and where it doesn't hurt so much and where the time apart goes more quickly. I'd like to stay here in bed until we're truly together again, but while I ignore life, it won't ignore me and eventually I must pretend again to be okay with living without you...but I'm not okay, I'm never okay without you.

Bless Me?

"Bless Mommy, bless Grandma, bless Daddy..." No blessing for me...why would you?