The Reality of My Life

I'm starting to really understand that my life will never be what I hope it will.

I will never be skinny
I will never be rich
I will never feel secure
I will never be famous
I will always be afraid of losing him
I may never be a real mother

Will I ever be happy?
Life will never be what I hope for

The only thing that has exceeded my expectations in life has been your love. Is it any wonder I'm forever terrified of having it taken from me?

My life will never be what I really want, because all that I want can't compete with my need for you. If I must choose, I choose you. But will I be happy?

Thirty

Thus far, 30 is proving to be pretty anticlimactic...pun intended.

A husband who wants me

I wish you wanted me...really wanted me. I want a husband who wants me like I want him...why don't you want me?

Me

Fat. Ugly. Weak. Stupid. Wrong. Me.

I Don't Have A Friend

Tonight a stupid tiff with my husband over the placement of a chair sent me to my room to mellow down. As I laid here on my bed I thought about it...its a chair...its stupid....so what is really bothering me? Well, a lot of things...

• Its Christmas, my favorite time of year, but nothing about it is making me happy because it isn't what it should be...I can't even put up the tree because my husband "doesn't care" (his words) and would just as soon have no Christmas at all...so much so he won't even let me move the damn chair.
• The house is chaos personified....half finished home improvement projects literally all around me, in every room. Stuff everywhere. People everywhere. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. I feel so desperately unhappy.
• I have major issues with the people around me I can't seem to resolve. So complex I can't even really write about them here....not that anyone is listening (or in this case, reading).
• I'm desperately in love with a man who seems completely incapable of ever understanding me...worse, he doesn't even bother to try.

I realized as issue after issue swirled in my head, how much stress and drain and drama and sadness and worry has been building and building and building up inside of me. I keep shoving it down deeper, hoping to make enough room so it won't all just starte exploding out of me...its very much like all the boxes of stuff that surround me that we simply have no more room for.

I've dealt with stress my whole life....how has it built up so horribly to the point that a stupid disagreement over a chair has opened pandora's box? The answer is simple...I don't have a friend. As this reality hit me tonight I just started crying. I left everything for him. I left my friends. I left my family. I left my entire country. Now I'm here where everything is different. The people are different, the holidays are different, my whole life is different and I did it for him...the one who simply will not understand. Because I'm in another country I can't just pick up the phone and call my family or friends....who has that kind of money? I can't call my mom to vent or ask advice or just feel that cell phone shoulder to cry on. I've lived here almost a year now and I don't have a single friend that I could call tonight and expect to listen and help me unload a bit. Someone to understand the way a man never will. Someone I could really trust to listen to my complaints and know that my confidences are safe there. All the friends like that are in another country and I can't talk to them. I want a friend I can just call up casually and say "Listen, today sucks, let's go out". I miss that so much and I haven't had it for a year now. And that year has built up and its overflowing and I don't know what to do with it. And he doesn't understand. He doesn't even try to. He is my only friend here and I need him right now and he doesn't care.

Sad

Why am I so sad today? We fought, we said sorry, we made up...still just so sad. Its our anniversary this weekend, do you even care? is it important to you at all? If do nothing, will it even get acknowledged? The way I can't count on you makes me sad. The way I know its best t have no expectations because things come and go with nothing but unmet hopes of romance and surprise and recognition. I guess that's why I'm sad today....this weekend is our anniversary, and to you it means nothing.

Abandoned

I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved.