Pain

Sometimes I need you to hold me so bad the pain overwhelms me. Sometimes I know its impossible to ever be close enough to you. Sometimes I need you so much that my whole body aches, inside and out. One of those times is right now.

Unwanted

Every night the same all consuming doubts plague my mind and haunt my dreams. Every invitation that is denied, every advance that is ignored and every moment of opportunity that goes wasted cuts into my heart and destroys whatever shred of confidence I may have had left. Before, I felt amazing, loved, and so very wanted...now, I feel worthless, repulsive and like a complete failure. I haven't lived up to any of your dreams or expectations...I'm nothing but a useless let down am I? Everytime you make it to sleep without my blunt protest or my insistance you must breathe a sigh of relief...one more day through which you didn't have to suffer the rottenness of me.

Unwanted

Every night the same all consuming doubts plague my mind and haunt my dreams. Every invitation that is denied, every advance that is ignored and every moment of opportunity that goes wasted cuts into my heart and destroys whatever shred of confidence I may have had left. Before, I felt amazing, loved, and so very wanted...now, I feel worthless, repulsive and like a complete failure. I haven't lived up to any of your dreams or expectations...I'm nothing but a useless let down am I? Everytime you make it to sleep without my blunt protest or my insistance you must breathe a sigh of relief...one more day through which you didn't have to suffer the rottenness of me.

Hello. Goodbye.

I wish I could spend a moment in your arms in total peace and happiness. Your arms are the most peaceful and happiest place I've ever been...but every moment is tainted by the voice in the back of my mind. The voice that wonders if this will be our last moment together. The voice that wonders about all the things that could take the happiness away...death, a choice to leave, to stop loving...and even if I could make myself stop obsessing about all of those horrible possibilities, I'd still be left with the voice that whispers "Only 2 more days...just one more night...only 3 more hours..." How can I ever fully enjoy the hello when all I can think about is the too soon goodbye?

Drowning

If I were drowning, would anyone notice? Would anyone be worried? Would anyone try to save me? Would I even be missed?......The answers are all no.....I am drowning, and I promise, no one has noticed.

I'm Broken

It is said that acknowledging the truth is the first step...well here's the truth: I'm broken.

I've been broken forever I think, certainly as far as I can remember. Sometimes I hide it better than others. Sometimes I handle it better than others. Sometimes I can't hide it or deal with it...this is one of those times.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being fat.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of falling asleep without you holding me.
I'm tired of us not having sex.
I'm tired of wondering if its because I'm not her.
I'm tired of putting on a smile so you won't know its really not okay.
I'm tired of you believing the lie and not recognizing the truth.
I'm tired of everyone asking but not really caring.
I'm tired of lying and saying I'm fine or great when I'm neither.
I'm tired of feeling like this.

I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm alone.

I'm not supposed to be alone...you were supposed to change that. I'm here. You're there. I'm still alone.