Me

Fat. Ugly. Weak. Stupid. Wrong. Me.

I Don't Have A Friend

Tonight a stupid tiff with my husband over the placement of a chair sent me to my room to mellow down. As I laid here on my bed I thought about it...its a chair...its stupid....so what is really bothering me? Well, a lot of things...

• Its Christmas, my favorite time of year, but nothing about it is making me happy because it isn't what it should be...I can't even put up the tree because my husband "doesn't care" (his words) and would just as soon have no Christmas at all...so much so he won't even let me move the damn chair.
• The house is chaos personified....half finished home improvement projects literally all around me, in every room. Stuff everywhere. People everywhere. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. I feel so desperately unhappy.
• I have major issues with the people around me I can't seem to resolve. So complex I can't even really write about them here....not that anyone is listening (or in this case, reading).
• I'm desperately in love with a man who seems completely incapable of ever understanding me...worse, he doesn't even bother to try.

I realized as issue after issue swirled in my head, how much stress and drain and drama and sadness and worry has been building and building and building up inside of me. I keep shoving it down deeper, hoping to make enough room so it won't all just starte exploding out of me...its very much like all the boxes of stuff that surround me that we simply have no more room for.

I've dealt with stress my whole life....how has it built up so horribly to the point that a stupid disagreement over a chair has opened pandora's box? The answer is simple...I don't have a friend. As this reality hit me tonight I just started crying. I left everything for him. I left my friends. I left my family. I left my entire country. Now I'm here where everything is different. The people are different, the holidays are different, my whole life is different and I did it for him...the one who simply will not understand. Because I'm in another country I can't just pick up the phone and call my family or friends....who has that kind of money? I can't call my mom to vent or ask advice or just feel that cell phone shoulder to cry on. I've lived here almost a year now and I don't have a single friend that I could call tonight and expect to listen and help me unload a bit. Someone to understand the way a man never will. Someone I could really trust to listen to my complaints and know that my confidences are safe there. All the friends like that are in another country and I can't talk to them. I want a friend I can just call up casually and say "Listen, today sucks, let's go out". I miss that so much and I haven't had it for a year now. And that year has built up and its overflowing and I don't know what to do with it. And he doesn't understand. He doesn't even try to. He is my only friend here and I need him right now and he doesn't care.

Sad

Why am I so sad today? We fought, we said sorry, we made up...still just so sad. Its our anniversary this weekend, do you even care? is it important to you at all? If do nothing, will it even get acknowledged? The way I can't count on you makes me sad. The way I know its best t have no expectations because things come and go with nothing but unmet hopes of romance and surprise and recognition. I guess that's why I'm sad today....this weekend is our anniversary, and to you it means nothing.

Abandoned

I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved.

Sad

Last night I was sad and when you asked me why I said I didn't know. I lied. I do know why I'm sad. I'm sad because I miss romance. I miss the words and notes and gestures and touches that told me how much I mean to you. I know you love me, but I wish you'd show it more, the way you used to. I need to hear it, not just the words but the feeling behind them. I want to feel you needing me. I hardly ever feel that anymore. I want you to treat me like your greatest treasure. And as if that didn't hurt enough, I wake up to find a note from someone else, saying things only you should be saying...and all I can do is fight back the tears, wishing those words were from you instead.

Me

Ugly. Fat. Worthless. Lazy. Indulgent. Stupid. Not good enough. I hate me.

One Sided

You don't even grasp how much I need you. You don't see or understand because you don't feel it...you don't need or even want me. I'm another burden, a chore...not a pleasure. Will it always be this way? Will you ever want me again?

Think there's no job more thankless than Motherhood?

Try Step-Motherhood. I guess there's some fine print to Mother's Day that reads, "Step-mothers do not qualify". Oh well.

Tonight

Tonight you made me feel stupid and completely worthless. Tonight you made your priority clear. Tonight you really really hurt me. Tonight something broke between us. Tonight I hate you. Tonight I hate me too.

Confession

I wish I was pregnant right now

Hey!

My opinion matters too!

Am I Mad At You?

Yes.

I couldn't wait for you to be home. But it got later and later. All I wanted was for you to come in, lay down with me, hold me and kiss me. You came home, and your watching TV. You know why I want sex so much? Its the only time you look at me. The only time you're really focused on me. Not TV, not the computer, not a book or a phone call...Me.

Me

I don't know why I am the way I am or why I interpret things the way I do. I don't know why I let innocent things hurt and offend me or make me feel less valuable as a person....or mother, or wife. I don't know why when you do something generous my mind turns it into something negative because somewhere inside me I'm certain you didn't want any part of it and did it only out of obligation and not out of love. Logically, I know I must be wrong because I know you love me and even if you weren't in the mood you still did something for me because you love me and want to make me happy. So why won't my heart believe that? Why do I feel wounded and distant and pull away from the one person who loves me? Why am I this way?

Starved

Being apart from you hurts me. Deeply, emotionally, physically hurts me. My body aches for your touch, for your arms around me. I feel affection starved...no kisses, no hand to hold with fingers intertwined with mine, no one reaching for me in the night, no one to hold me after a bad dream, no lovemaking...just lonliness. Ugly, miserable lonliness. And the need for your touch overwhelms me and pushes me deep below the surface where I can think of nothing but the emptiness and the hurts...it just hurts and hurts so much.

When You're Gone

When you're gone, I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't want to go places or do things or see people...I don't want to live my life without you. So I put it all on hold, refusing to truly live when you're not there to live it with me. I crawl into bed and pull up the covers and hide from life, choosing instead to disappear into dreams where we can be together and where it doesn't hurt so much and where the time apart goes more quickly. I'd like to stay here in bed until we're truly together again, but while I ignore life, it won't ignore me and eventually I must pretend again to be okay with living without you...but I'm not okay, I'm never okay without you.